Who was I kidding?!
I was so totally convinced video recipes and recipe development would be the key to unlocking my unhealthy thoughts around food.
Determination flowed through me and I got stuck into pouring over recipe books, looking online, desperate to find recipes I could film, enjoy making and then eat. The recipes would help me and others eat healthily and I would motivate sufferers with eating disorders to eat again.
Kindness in Food
The intention was there, the kindness was there but when it came to the crunch (excuse the pun) I could not eat the food. It was a step too far.
When you look outside of the ‘safe foods’ you eat and start to look at ‘other’ food again, you feel overwhelmed and excited at the prospect of trying new foods again!
I LOVED looking at all the new food I was going to try, but as usual with my recovery, it was all talk and when it came to actually putting something new in my mouth, I just could not do it. It smelled so good, the fresh bread, the homemade soup, but the minute I had to think about eating it, Anorexia sat there loud and proud!
After that, the filming and recipe development felt hypercritical! How could I be encouraging other people to try my recipes and not eat the food myself?
In my mind, there is nothing worse than a hypocrite and let’s face it, Youtube is full of people much better at doing this kinda stuff than me.
I am a great believer in trying new things in life (clearly NOT food) and I had so much fun making my recipe films, but it was not healthy for me and I know I need to heal a lot more before I can attempt it again, well without feeling like a hypocrite anyway.
My disorder leads me into temptation, it wants me to pour over recipe books and cook elaborate meals I will not eat. It will then make me feel powerful and strong because I have resisted, that’s my illness and that is what I have to remember!
Knowledge is power
I am still determined to use my knowledge about food for some good, albeit helping others to find their healthy relationship with food or just be someone who is there to give advice on how not to look at food.
Our emotions are so related to punishment and reward of food and that is so fundamentally wrong. Food is there to fuel us, to share with friends and family and more important should not be looked upon as good or bad.
From starvation to overeating, whatever your food issues, just remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full.
I am slowly starting to like myself again, warts and all and I think for me this will be my only way to jump off my merry go round of thinking I am getting better.
It’s not about food, it’s about compassion, forgiveness, and kindness to myself.