SATC – Day 285

I have been so wrapped up worrying about what I will do now I am on my own and Single, that I have been totally blind to the many positives too!

Initially, I regretted my decision to end my relationship, what had I done, was it my illness that forced the people around me away?

I now realise it was a decision that needed to be made, neither of us was happy. Sure, it would have been easy to plod along and stay together, but I have never been someone to take the easy road in life.

At 37 being single again is pretty scary. I am fully aware how hard it is to make new friends at this age, let alone a new partner. I am giving myself a year, a year of being single and learning to start to LOVE me again.

Over the last week or so I have found myself sat in coffee shops looking at couples around me. Some look really happy and others you cannot help but feel they are disconnected and not really enjoying each others company. 

It made me wonder what we all perceive as a happy relationship?

On one particular day, I walked passed a very affluent looking couple and heard the man say; “Well if you dress like a slut, you will be treated like a slut”! Just that snippet of conversation shocked me. From the outside, they looked compatible, happy and content. 

Being part of a couple is hard work, full of compromise and not so nice words.

I cannot help but think men and women are not supposed to be together for years and years. We change and grow so much throughout our lives, inevitably we change. 

The words ‘you are not the girl I fell in love with’ was a common phrase towards the end of my relationship. The more I think about it, the more that is probably true. I am 15 years older, I have gone through illness and other life stresses so of course, I am different to that young and vibrant 21-year old I was when we first met.

Is this common in relationships? Do we have to accept we will both change and possibly not for the good?

I met with a couple of my married friends this week. Both happily married, both with two children and both amazing people.

I was also surprised to hear both of them have secret vices or guilty pleasures their husbands are not fully aware of. Don’t worry, we are not talking about affairs or anything HUGE!

The pressures of young children, working full time and trying to maintain a happy marriage have led them both to a point of needing an outlet. A secret time for them, something they can indulge in.

One of my friends likes to have a sneaky smoke; this one secret vice gives her relief, relaxes her and makes her at least feel like she has something other than looking after two small children, managing the bills and looking after her husband.

All I could think was good for you, GO FRIEND! Why shouldn’t she have something to call her own, albeit something that is not entirely healthy……but whatever.

We seem to lose ourselves and identities in our relationships, but we also lose a piece of ourselves when we have children too – What else is there left for us?

Relationships are all about compromise and you have to decide to what extent you are prepared to compromise.

I know of older couples who have been married for over 30 years but spend each day bickering, driving each other mad. Complaining about each other and finally resenting them so much that you cannot be in the same room together.

Is it normal to be together 36 years and bicker every single day, is that true happiness?

Over the centuries people have had to stay married, years ago you had no choice and divorce and separation was frowned upon.

But now, we have more options to escape an unhappy marriage so naturally, divorce rates are higher.

I cannot help but think we are not supposed to be with someone for our entire existence on this earth (sorry dear romantics), like friends who come and go in our lives as we grow I believe relationships and love are the same.

I am not saying happy marriages/relationships do not exist, but I believe we all need to make sure we are not compromising to the detriment of our own happiness.

 

 

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