Anorexia, myself & I – Day 274

Weekends are the hardest days of the week.

Most people are looking forward to Friday, I can remember that Friday feeling where you could not wait to escape from work and rejoice in the fact you have two days of freedom.

Friday nights were a night of listening to music, cooking and settling down to a good film or cr*p TV.

Friday nights for me signify the start of another two days of trying to fill time. My usual coffee shops are full of couples and families laughing and enjoying their time together. I am then reminded of my loneliness and the lack of laughter and companionship.

Look, I realise I sound all doom and gloom and sorry for myself but this is life and like an episode of Eastenders, other peoples struggles are strangely addictive.

I have cried this week more than I have in a long time. I have cried in coffee shops, in the car and even walking along the high street. My tears are for the relationship that is truly over, a realisation being occupied by illness has kept me from.

I made big nieve statements about us remaining friends and going for coffee and yet when faced with him, I cannot do it. I am full of anger, horrible words and the utter inability to not visualise him with his new girlfriend. I turn into this horrible person, a person I do not recognise or like.

How would you act? Is this normal? Am I acting like a child or are my feelings justified? Can we really stay friends when a relationship ends?

I fully understand why couples rarely remain, friends, when their relationship ends. Everyone gets over things at a different pace and where one person has moved on, the other just needed a little while longer.

I have made the decision to protect myself and my heart and not offer friendship. Sure, I will be civil but coffee and chatter are off the cards. I have to protect myself. Who knows in time maybe I will be able to offer friendship, but the further we distance ourselves from each other the less likely this will become.

The last few connected details of our lives are slowly being separated; bank accounts, appleID and photos removed from my computer memory. What do we do with our cat’s ashes? Where do I store 15 years of pictures and videos? When will sh&tty facebook stop bringing up ‘look what you were doing 4 years ago’ in my feed? 

Look, life in many ways for me is great. I feel blessed by what I do have, I am getting my health back and I am surrounded by people who care for me. Believe me, I know there are people a lot worse off than me.

Do you ever just sit there and really appreciate what you have? 

I met with a friend today who is going through the stresses and strains of bringing up two amazing children and it was refreshing and awesome to hear her talk about how fabulous her marriage is; it was so lovely to hear. At the same time, my heart broke, my envy hidden beneath my smile and genuine happiness for her. 

The next few weeks bring a few more decisions. The biggest decision is letting go, I need to stop the mind chatter and living in the past.

As I sit here listening to the rain and watching gogglebox, I cannot help but feel lost and unsure of what the next chapter of life will look like. I think maybe some time away over Christmas will be a good thing, Christmas here with memories and alone will be a kick in the balls I can do without. Let’s face it eating a roast potatoe causes enough stress!!

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