Anorexia, myself & I – Drawings say it all

pencils

It will become clear I am not a natural artist!

Although creative in so many ways, drawing is not a strength of mine.

However, I do not care as for me I find drawing extremely relaxing.

As I prepare to enter the eating disorder clinic this week, I have had one thousand thoughts, pictures and worries going through my mind.

Will it smell of hospitals? 

Will I last the first day?

Will I hate the lack of control?

What Will I have to eat?

Who else will be there?

What tests will I have to go through?

Writing about Anorexia initially helped, I found writing the words easier and so truly wanted other people to use the blog as a place to understand.

As time has gone on I have regretted sharing my experience, Anorexia certainly remained in my life for much longer than I anticipated.

I feel like I am repeating myself, as people around me move on and live their lives I am stuck. I cannot help but compare my life to other people, I hate that I do it. 

At this point I have nothing to offer, I am empty, numb and lacking life. I am rude to people, I am short tempered, I am happy in my loneliness and own company. Even the birds singing seem to piss me off.

I have a big kind heart, but it has been slowly covered with a black molten, slowly hardening, now only small glimpses of red can be seen through the black hard rock covering.

Heartfelt Drawing

I happened to draw two pictures this morning, both of which seem to be very apt to how I am feeling about the week ahead. I never share my drawings, they are incredibly personal to me but I have the urge to share today. 

Laugh, mock & take them for what they are, but welcome to the mind of an Anorexic.

The first drawing makes me smile! Pigs have always freaked me out, in a way in that they are quietly intelligent, perceptive and unassuming.

Pig Spy – If you can smell bacon, you know she’s around!

pig-spy
Pig Spy

I have drawn what I imagine anorexia to look like many times, but today she seems particular ‘medusa’ like.

Who knows if I will feel like blogging over the next few weeks, I am literally taking each day as it comes. 

From this point forward, it is me, myself and I ….

Anorexia – she hisses, she screams, she is tired, she is fierce apparently she wears earrings.

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Anorexia in all her glory.

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