It will become clear I am not a natural artist!
Although creative in so many ways, drawing is not a strength of mine.
However, I do not care as for me I find drawing extremely relaxing.
As I prepare to enter the eating disorder clinic this week, I have had one thousand thoughts, pictures and worries going through my mind.
Will it smell of hospitals?
Will I last the first day?
Will I hate the lack of control?
What Will I have to eat?
Who else will be there?
What tests will I have to go through?
Writing about Anorexia initially helped, I found writing the words easier and so truly wanted other people to use the blog as a place to understand.
As time has gone on I have regretted sharing my experience, Anorexia certainly remained in my life for much longer than I anticipated.
I feel like I am repeating myself, as people around me move on and live their lives I am stuck. I cannot help but compare my life to other people, I hate that I do it.
At this point I have nothing to offer, I am empty, numb and lacking life. I am rude to people, I am short tempered, I am happy in my loneliness and own company. Even the birds singing seem to piss me off.
I have a big kind heart, but it has been slowly covered with a black molten, slowly hardening, now only small glimpses of red can be seen through the black hard rock covering.
I happened to draw two pictures this morning, both of which seem to be very apt to how I am feeling about the week ahead. I never share my drawings, they are incredibly personal to me but I have the urge to share today.
Laugh, mock & take them for what they are, but welcome to the mind of an Anorexic.
The first drawing makes me smile! Pigs have always freaked me out, in a way in that they are quietly intelligent, perceptive and unassuming.
Pig Spy – If you can smell bacon, you know she’s around!
I have drawn what I imagine anorexia to look like many times, but today she seems particular ‘medusa’ like.
Who knows if I will feel like blogging over the next few weeks, I am literally taking each day as it comes.
From this point forward, it is me, myself and I ….
Anorexia – she hisses, she screams, she is tired, she is fierce apparently she wears earrings.