Anorexia, myself & I – The darkness

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Writing a blog is fairly self indulgent, as a blogger you want to believe the person reading will give a crap or find what you have to say helpful or interesting.

When I write about my illness I strangely don’t feel that way, writing actually gives me a sense of freedom and sharing makes me feel selfishly better!

However, when I chose to share this image of what anorexia looks like, it made me question how much I really do want to share. The picture is not a selfie in a ‘I am so cute’ or am I looking for sympathy, but this is me and this is anorexia. If there is ever a way to encourage someone to eat, this is it.

The weekend was a battle, the fear and anticipation of outing myself last week has dissipated and once again self loathing took its place in my daily life. I know there are people out there suffering way more than I can imagine, don’t worry I remind myself of that everyday, but I am afraid Anorexia is a selfish disease!

What does my battle mean?! I wake up in the night unable to sleep, hungry, stomach pains, my mind constantly reminding me how weak I have been that day. All I can think about is food, ironically when you have anorexia the one thing you try to avoid is all you can think about, some days it’s worse than others but I call it the darkness, as soon as I wake up I know who is going to be the strongest – me or anorexia and if its anorexia the darkness falls.

As the day goes on so does the body checking, pulling at fat that’s not there, working out in your mind how you might possibly sneak some exercise in or how you can avoid having to eat at all. It’s exhausting, the internal battle is relentless. For the people around me its worse crying, self loathing comments, anger, checking the mirror, not wanting to eat and moodiness! I am aware of the darkness and I try to meditate or desperately pull myself out of it, but some days it just gets you. It just gets you.

Did I eat over the weekend? – yes I did, did I exercise? – yes I did! Can I break the cycle of only eating if I have exercised? – at this point I will be honest in saying I am not sure, I am just not strong enough to break a thought habit I have had for years! Exercise makes this all ok, it quietens my mind, it helps me sleep at night but it also means anorexia wins a little each time too.

Today I woke up and know I am the stronger one. I enjoyed my breakfast, had some lunch and feel OK about it. I have come to realise it’s one day at a time, I have to forget the weekend and move on knowing today I am strong and I can beat this. Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all eating disorders – I have to beat this.

 

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