POSITIVE BLOG POST ALERT!!!
The irony of writing a blog about my disorder is the self doubt that what I am writing is just so depressing and boring for the people reading it! In a world of already negative news – who needs another sad story – right?!
As someone said to me recently – I have to celebrate the small positive steps I make!
This was my small but positive small step….
Last weekend I woke up in an awful ‘hangry’ mood, literally hard cried for an hour, spitting out poisonous words to myself and just being awful – this would usually last all day, another day lost to Anorexia. Paul dragged me out, literally kicking & screaming, we walked the dogs we were pet sitting for and I blurted out to him everything I felt in that moment! After the walk, fresh air and getting my inner most feelings off my chest I just felt this overwhelming feeling that it was going to be OK and I really could beat this! That is the first time thats ever happened so this is a small but positive step for me.
I suddenly felt confident enough to hit down the constant voice of poison and breakfast, lunch and dinner were no where near as hard to deal with. I almost braved buying something different to vegetables, but I am not quite there yet.
As the week has gone on, I still feel mentally stronger and even braved dinner with a lovely couple we are pet sitting for this week. Anorexia was kicking my ass with every mouthful I took, but I carried on and before I knew it the meal was over and I had survived! Did I immediately want to go and run it off or get up then and there and star jump for 20 minutes (imagine that!) absolutely but thats fine, I will save that battle for another day.
I am going to be keeping an audio diary for BBC Wiltshire for World Eating Disorders Day on June 2nd. A day in the life of an Anorexic – sounds exciting!! It will actually be really interesting for me, small things such as going to the supermarket to buy something for lunch and dinner can end in tears and it will be good for people to see what everyday battles someone with an eating disorder goes through.
For the first time in a long time I have a good gut feeling and I am winning!