Its a been while since I have blogged. Look at this picture – Happy right?!
I have decided Anorexia is not a morning person, Anorexia sneaks upon me throughout the day, slowly ebbing its way into my subconsciousness until its arrived fully present and ready to start its day at work.
I start my day with good intentions, I wake (crazy early) with the profound belief that today will be the day I eat more and exercise less. Yep the statement really is as BIG as that – everyday!
My day then starts, I eat my breakfast and Anorexia clocks in for the day, sometimes like a late employee but most the time arriving promptly and on schedule. If I am at home in my usual surroundings, its not so bad and I can handle the chatter, if I am away from normal routine then forget it, Anorexia takes over sense and reason and I am overwhelmed by its strength.
Right NOW I am full of shame and guilt and for the first time in a long time I have overwhelming feelings of not wanting to be here anymore, yep as harsh and real as that sounds, its the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. What do I have to offer the world?! Why, what is the point?!
IMAGINE – Sit in a room where you are fully present but you feel like you are floating above everyone; they are having fun, laughing, enjoying life. You are screaming inside desperate to be a part of life but all you feel is numb and secluded, broken down, weak and sad. Picture this from the outside – A boring person with a face like a slapped arse – now you try not to judge them.
I then feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty and want desperately to explain to those around, I AM are present, happy and funny but something deep within holds you back, reminding you your unhappiness = happiness! Happiness means letting go, not being in control and forgetting about Anorexia for just a moment. Anorexia does not want to be forgotten.
We have spent an amazing few days in Spain with great friends all I feel is shame. Great companions, fun, generous, amazing hosts and people (not just cause they might read this either) and instead of feeling warm, appreciated and content in their company – I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Being away and thrown out of my routine has hit me hard, I wake not knowing when I have to think about and deal with eating, I start the day with no control, I worry about when and what I will eat, can I eat in front of people, will they judge me on how much I do or don’t eat?! All of this leads to frustration, anger, tears, tantrums and ultimately a miserable unhappy me – would you want to be around someone like that?!
I know they do not judge me, but deep down we all judge each other and if you have never experienced a mental illness, this extreme behaviour would seem totally irrational, pathetic and attention seeking. Maybe I would judge the same way too!
For me its real, its hard and it leads me down a very dark path of guilt and self loathing. Look at this blog – me, me, me and its boring, I bore myself.
I used to be a great actor of ‘happiness’ around people but I cannot act anymore, Anorexia loves the limelight and I am intrinsically lost within the shadows.
I have made a BIG promise to my family I will seek help; threats made to me to scare me into action. I need the push, the scare tactics, the tears from loved ones, to hear how they are suffering; I hope and pray it will shake me into action.
I cannot keep running from this, I am tired, weak and just need to eat and sleep……
If you are faced with someone with a mental illness, do not judge them, be patient, love them and remind them they are safe around you.