I am the first to admit that I am highly independent and some would say strong minded and stubborn, so letting people or family help or assist me in any way is what I would call showing a form of weakness.
Families to me have always been scary and complicated.
Over the last few weeks as my health has deteriorated and I have needed a place to rest my head for a few days (weeks and now possibly months) my family have stepped up and embraced me.
Front doors have been opened, cuddles have been ready at a moments notice and I have felt totally enveloped in their loving and caring embrace.
Who else would put up with random acts of crying, a miserable face, weird food rituals and of course the hassle that comes with endless Drs and hospital appointments and late night dashes to A&E!
Let’s just say it has reminded me family will be there for you through thick and thin….excuse the pun!
I am waiting. I am waiting for hospital appointments, I am waiting for test results, I am waiting for the ‘lightbulb’ moment when I open the cupboard and want to eat. All I seem to do is wait.
Patience was never a virtue of mine, so waiting means wasted time. I feel like I cannot start my journey until I know what is expected of me. Another reason to delay boarding the train to destination recovery.
Keep calm and bake
Throughout all of this, I am taking solace in baking. I am not baking for me, I am baking for others. I want to say ‘thank you’ for looking after me and what better way than through the medium of food.
Food is a universal gift, people understand food, people LOVE food and share common ground in food.
Working in coffee shops gives me chance to people watch. The celebration and enjoyment of food surround me, I feel envy at the ability people have to eat a slice of cake with their morning coffee or just decide ‘off the cuff’ to tuck into a mid afternoon toasted teacake.
I sit there with a banana I have had to purchase to get a ‘free drink’ (needs must when you are self-employed) and struggle to eat one single pitiful bite. It usually gets thrown in the bin after an angry exchange of words (yes with a banana) or handed to the person sitting next to me before I leave.
Deep down I hope baking and gifting food to others will encourage me to participate in eating, who knows maybe one day I will eat a slice of pie or cake I have baked for my family?
In the meantime this is me……still waiting.