Anorexia, myself & I – 365

365 seemed like a good title! The countdown has started. The next 365 days signify the start of recovery and my year long journey to renourishment. I plan on sharing my journey every step of the way, a year seems realistic as I know recovery will not be linear.

The last week has flown by in a whirlwind of stomach aches, headaches, tiredness and blood tests. Oh and add a whole load of frustration and boredom in there for good measure too.

My arms are like pin cushions and even more so since every nurse struggles to get blood from me.

It’s like my body has gone into hibernation mode. ” No, you’re not going to take anything else from me, sod off”

Refeeding has been so fricken hard I cannot even begin to explain. I have set calories I need to meet each day and believe me it is so hard. I am like a baby with a new digestive system, foods I want to eat hurt me and foods I need to eat hurt me even more.

I am literally teaching myself and my body to eat and accept food again. I spend my time reading about renourishing, the best foods to eat, the best time to eat, how to eat and it goes on. I save recipes I dream of cooking for myself and it is at these times I remember how I used to be before this disease trickled into my mind.

It is a constant battle, both mentally and physically and both are equally as painful.

The target is to gain 1lb per week! I imagine all the people on slimming world and weight watchers rolling their eyes in envy at the fact I need to gain weight they are desperate to lose. 

It is not a case of picking up a donut or eating a portion of fish and chips, I have to eat healthily and that does mean healthy fats, carbohydrates, and protein and when you have been living on vegetables for, well years, it feels awkward, uncomfortable and really scary. 

Ironically, I have such an interest in cooking healthy food and nutrition in general, but when it comes to me I just cannot take care of myself as I should. It is an illness with many contradictions.

Wednesday is weigh in day and the day where the Drs evaluate whether I can continue to be treated at home. 

Gaining weight and seeing the number increase on the scales is the only way they will allow home treatment. I am stuck in wanting to see the number increase and then worrying about how I will deal with that mentally when I walk out of the room. 

All I know is that I have no other choice, I have to learn to renourish and heal myself and I learn to like my body as it changes. Eating…that is the easy part and really is just the start of it.


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