I never sleep the day before I have an appointment at the clinic, the nerves and sense of dread bubble away all day and rise to the surface just as I lay my head on the pillow.
Why is that? It’s tiresome.
As I sat waiting to go into the appointment, it dawned on me that recovery is going to be way harder than anticipated. I actually need to change my whole train of thought, I need to re – wire my brain, renourish myself and at the same time accept the new body developing around me.
You may think gaining 1lb is nothing, get over it! But believe me, you may as well have asked me to gain a stone. The same shame, guilt, and anger flood my every thought.
As I walked into the room, I knew that if I had not gained any weight they would be admitting me, the serious faces from the Dr and dietician reminded me just how serious the situation is.
It was the first thing we did and as I walked through the inpatient clinic it reminded me the importance of needing to gain weight today. I did not want to be admitted. The scales flashed up in front of me, I had gained a 1lb. To be honest, I did not feel that bad about it, in fact, I was relieved. I knew I would be able to carry on being treated at home. I would deal with the anger later.
I knew I would be able to carry on being treated at home. I would deal with the anger later.
My mum and I sat there as my food diary was scrutinized, the dietician intrigued by my fascination with green beans for every meal and the reluctance to eat carbs or any fat and the weird food combinations my eating disorder led me to believe was normal.
For a professional to sit opposite you and fundamentally explain the extreme stress you are putting your organs under is scary and I remember hearing weak heart, poor digestion and the need to introduce even more foods into my diet – I cried as it just all felt so real.
NO well done, NO you are doing well…….You have to do better, eat more, break down food barriers and ultimately gain more weight.
Increase calories, gain another 1lb by next week, blood tests, severe stomach aches, feeling sick, night sweats, rest, no driving and any issues at all with chest pain and I have to go to A&E.
Being told I have to increase my calories again was a blow, I thought I would have another week getting used to where I am now, but that is not how it works. My body needs fuelling and fast.
It’s deceiving, as I have started to eat more I have a bit more energy and that tempts me to want to walk places, exercise again even or help with the house chores, but in reality, I am still seriously ill, with a weak heart and no muscles to support any kind of activity.
Deep down my anorexia hates the thought of having more energy as it means I am fuelling myself and that is a sign of weakness.
At some point, and I know in the not too distant future I have to rip up the rulebook around food once and for all. There cannot be any room for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ foods. The rule book is like my own internal bible for ‘right and wrong’.
It is a rulebook I cannot wait to burn, rip up, shred or simply dump in the recycling! Will I wake up one day and decide today is the day?
My mum said something that stayed with me. She could not wait to see me free from the prison I have kept myself in, to see me laugh again without punishing myself for being happy. It made me cry, she was so right. I cannot wait to laugh and be free!
My week ahead of food diaries, blood tests, an increase in calories and REST lays in front of me like a wet weekend………….but apparently they give it dry!