There is one word that weighs heavy in my thoughts at the moment. LONELY.
I could be in a room full of people but still feel utter loneliness. It has surprised me at just how insular this disease has made me.
Loneliness is, well LONELY. Mental illness can be defined in so many ways and I wonder if loneliness is just part of the process I am going through. After all, I chose to recover at home in a sanctuary of peace and quiet and in a place where I can shut myself away in a room and feel LONELY.
How can I possibly begin to explain the loneliness I feel to someone else? This loneliness tempts me to run, run far away and start somewhere else. Change my hair, my name, my persona and pretend I am not living in this world of mental torment.
Sounds dramatic, right?
Anorexic thoughts are strong and determined to lead me into the temptation of running, running would mean I will ultimately avoid recovery and the pain associated with it.
I feel energy running through my ever visible veins, I am starting to feel physically stronger, but mentally I am still as broken and vulnerable as ever.
My morning ritual of positive thoughts, a few yoga stretches and being ‘grateful’ entices me into another day, prepares me for breakfast but by mid morning with a stomach full of something, positivity has been buried deep with STRONG negative thoughts.
Negativity is a bastard. It zaps you, it numbs you, it has the ability to make a warm, sunny day look black, cloudy and cold. I am fighting negativity with the sharpest sword of all the positive thoughts I can muster.
Changing my thinking and breaking my thought patterns are just as important as eating, if I do not tackle both at the same time, one will ultimately be the downfall of my recovery.
Day 360 has brought contemplation, self-discovery, distraction, positive thoughts, followed by negativity.
How much time do I need to spend on my thoughts and self-care?
Self-care is hard work, it is actively accepting the fact you need to work on yourself, it feels silly and selfish and ‘new age’, but I am realising more than ever just how important it is for me and my recovery.
If it is as easy as practicing yoga for an hour a day or writing down a few things I like about myself or my body, then count me in. I just have a feeling it is going to take a bit more than that and I am not sure where to start.
On the positive side, the sun is shining and I have finally taken off the scarf I have been wearing for the last three weeks!
PS If you ask me how got on in an appointment and I say I put on a lb – don’t smile from ear to ear and tell me how amazing that is. I point blank want to punch you in the face – just warning you!! ‘How are you?’ is fine.