As I lay here at 4 am, unable to sleep something suddenly dawned on me.
Almost 17 years ago, I was led in the very same place. 17 years ago I found myself in my mum’s spare room. A broken relationship, a flat I could no longer afford and some stupid decisions found me back at my mums all those years ago and little did I know that 17 years later I would be back.
Little did I know I would have fallen in love, lived in Spain, traveled the world selling cheese, lived on a narrowboat, traveled, started three businesses, run a marathon, bought a house and owned two cats!
Here I am again, in the spare room, surrounded by work files, a bookcase full of motorbike books, a work desk redundant and stacked with my clothes and an office chair playing home to my suitcase. I sleep on a camp bed (which is super comfy – thanks, mum) and I lay here wondering how exactly I got here…..again.
I feel silly, lost and too old to be in this situation. Do I have a ‘self-destruct’ mentality? Am I destined to do this every 17 years? Imagine……
This time it is obviously different, my mental and physical health have brought me here, mental health has seen the loss of another relationship, the loss of knowing where I am going and the loss of purpose.
I do not want all of my blogs to be so doom and gloom, we all read and watch enough negative sh&t every day, but equally, I always promised myself I would write from the heart and be honest about what living with Anorexia is like.
Tomorow brings another appointment, another weigh in, another hour where weight, health and getting better is mulled over. Targets are put in place, the future will be discussed. The last week has been plagued with bad stomachs, sickness, anger, and failure to meet my increase in calories. It has also seen me put a self-care plan together, look at meal plans and start to think about me.
I sit in coffee shops for a couple of hours each day, my mum trusting me to stay put and not exercise. I try to work, people watch and break free from the house for a while. I still need space.
I think about the future. My future feels pretty unknown. I know I need to recover, I know at some point I will need to think about what is next.
Anyone that knows me, knows just how determined and strong minded I am. I used to be positive, outgoing, funny, smart in a dumb way but most of all I wanted life.
I know deep down I can be this person again, life scars will always sit with me and have fundamentally changed me, I am not the same girl that was laying here 17 years ago.
I know this is a cliche, but if I could go back and tell my 20-year-old self a few things, what would I say?
I would say, follow your dreams, don’t let people control your emotions, never apologise for who you are, never settle for second best, dream big, believe in your decisions and most of all be confident and stay true to who you are.