Anorexia, myself and I – Day 294

What is it about autumn that makes me feel like there is a change in the air? No other season has the ability to make me feel this way.

Maybe its the trees shedding their leaves and plants and flowers ‘hunkering’ down for the winter.

We missed autumn last year as we were in Spain, swimming in the sea and generally enjoying the warm weather and drinking cheap wine.  I am surprised I do not feel any desire to return to Spain. Spain was a fantastic experience, but one that can be ticked off the list.

There is no other word that describes how I feel other than ‘unsettled’ – loneliness has been replaced with a feeling of restlessness. Windy days blow away old leaves and new ones fall and I am hoping the same will happen for me. I hope the wind will blow away my sh&tty feelings and a few new positive ones will take their place.

What do I do next? Do I settle here for a year like I planned? Do I head off house sitting again and explore the world on my own? What do I need in my life? What brings me fulfillment?

I have always planned, to know where I am heading and for the last few months I have only been able to think days ahead rather than weeks or months.

Another clinic appointment this week reminds me I am still on a journey to get better. I feel so frustrated at the moment. The small amount of weight I have gained over the last couple of months has woken my brain, I feel like I can run a marathon and conquer the world.

I want to start running again, I want to breathe in the cold autumn air into my lungs and I want to pound out the stress. Is this Anorexia leading me into temptation again or is this ME just needing to feel alive again?

Running was part of my life for years and I feel like it’s a best friend I have neglected, a friend who kept me happy, fit and kept at bay the stresses and strains of life. 

I sat in the Dr’s room this week and I am reminded that I am still severely underweight, I am a long way off where I need to be in terms of my weight and health. 

Does running have a place in my recovery? Is it the mental exercise I need to see me through the next few months?

My mind is started to feel nourished way before my body and it is, well, frustrating! 

On the positive, I am starting to feel the urge to cook and bake again, but still cannot pluck up the courage to start. Meals at the moment are quick, simple and with little thought into the food in any way.

I feel guilty I might get excited about food again, I feel scared I may start to enjoy what I am cooking. I am scared that once I start to eat I won’t want to stop. 

When you have restricted food for so long and you start to eat again, it becomes overwhelming and the urge to purge (stuff as much food in your mouth as possible) is so strong. Over the last couple of weeks, a spoonful of ice cream has turned into the whole tub. (albeit the super healthy ice cream – old habits die hard)

I hope the wind blows in answers for me, my brain literally hurts from the pressure of thinking and worrying about what to do next.

I look ahead and wonder if there is something better waiting for me. Why can I not just ‘be’ or live in the moment I am in? Why do I always wonder what else is out there?

As these questions keep me awake at night, I know I still just need to focus on getting better, I see and feel less and less of Anorexia in me, but is this denial or am I really moving on and getting better? 

That is another question for 2 am. 

You may also like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *