Anorexia, myself and I – Be Grateful?!

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I recently signed up to receive ‘daily reminders’ from a website called Tiny Buddha. So, each day I receive a cute little quip and story and I have to say they seem to read my mind and feel relevant to how I am feeling that day!

Weird? OR is that all people with mental illness have the same thoughts, so they pretty much take a good guess.

The quotes are usually positive and based on a writers personal experience,  the people writing the story are pushing their own website or business but on the main part they are actually interesting and I look forward to reading them! After all, it means I am not alone in feeling a little unstable every now and then…..more now!

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The only issue I have is that all these people seem to have been ‘fixed’ or are on their way to feeling enlightened and have made it through their dark times.

Thats great for them, but when you are still in your shitty place, it can be a bit demotivating….or is that just me being a moody cow today?! I so read all these stories and quotes and ‘like’ them and smile at how true they are, but trying to adhere to them and putting pressure on myself to act in a positive way and feel grateful is actually exhausting.

The minute I swear at someone in the car or think negatively I berate myself for being a ‘bad’ person! SO – the truth is, we all have negative thoughts in the day and we forget to be grateful for what we have, so I am going to lighten up and embrace a few swear words and negative thoughts every now and then.

Did you know many people diagnosed with Anorexia have a perfectionism nature!? We strive to be a nice person, a strong person, achieve walking 10 miles a day or exercising for 2 hours a day…failing is not an option and ultimately that constant battle can lead to the mental illness I am dealing with today.

Either way, taking time to read about other peoples positive experiences can be really helpful and motivating and I find I have a love/hate relationship with them.

If you find yourself doing the same and putting pressure on yourself to be a good person and act ‘perfect’ all the time – lighten up, lets just all lighten up.

Paul and I say this to each other a lot – our lives have been the extreme of busy for the last 3 years and throughout all of this we have missed out on laughter, smiles, taking in our surroundings and just enjoying being together.

We forgot to spend time on ourselves, to make time for ‘date night’ and that has been difficult on the relationship. We are both determined to make US work and will work as hard as we can to make sure we try everything we can to stay together – throwing 15 years down the drain because of our own ignorance or ability to forgive imperfections would be sad, really sad.

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Next Friday we move to Spain – its come around so quickly…..in under a week we will be landing in another country with all of the belonging we have left in the world. Four suitcases (mainly my clothes and gluten free oats – I know sad, right?!) and we will be heading to a new apartment we have only seen pictures of. Don’t feel too sorry for us as it looks amazing!

OK – I know its only Spain and hardly a million miles away, but its still a new country and lets face it, next weekend most of you will be waking up with your kids or dogs jumping on you safe in the knowledge you are heading off to do your weekend chores or your weekly shop! No judgement here – just saying!

I will admit I have this fear that I will always want to keep on running, will we get to Spain and settle for a month before I start to want to move on again?! Will I ever be able to settle? Will this ultimately send me into a life of loneliness as I push those around me away through fear they may try to hold me back and discourage me from running and moving?! Have the last three years been my fault, have I made us run and keep running?!

What am I running from?! I actually write this with tears in my eyes, as its real and deep. I think its the realisation that I need to stop running, I need to settle for a while and I ultimately need to battle a few demons.

I sit here and watch Paul relaxing and watching something on his laptop and I feel envy, I honestly cannot remember the last time I sat down and felt able to relax, to lose myself in something or to just switch off and forget about life, anorexia, exercise or a time when I was not worrying about how people around me are feeling?!

It literally could be years since I have listened to ME and I mean ME, not Anorexia. I need to listen to ME, do what I want to do when I wake in the morning, relax if I want to or read if I fancy it. No judgement and no guilt.

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Strangely, I have lately wondered whether my life would have been different if I had children, I have never wanted children, and still don’t! BUT – children make you realise its not about you, you become less selfish, you don’t think about your own issues (as much) and they are your focus.

I almost watch my friends in envy at the distraction they have, I also feel humbled by the total lack of selflessness they go through for their children. I also know I would never want to put my own issues upon my children, another child saved from their parents personal issues!

I have also come to realise I just want to be held, loved, comforted…. Independence runs through my veins, since leaving home at a young age, its all I know and its certainly all I wanted so why now do I want to pass over a bit of responsibility….

Feeling and being loved is one of the feelings I feel everyone should have the chance to feel and experience, this love can change over time and SURE its not always hugs and cuddles, but do you know what sometimes you just want to be HELD and told its all OK – even if its not.

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I will continue to be grateful for what I have and who I have in my life, I will try and be a strong, kind and positive person and I want to make others around me feel good. BUT I will no longer do that to the detriment of being ME. There will slowly be no place for Anorexia in my life, it will be too full……

Have a good week and be grateful for what you have – not all the time as thats just not ‘real’ life.

Today I am grateful that I am moving to Spain in a week to start a new adventure, I am grateful I am alive and I am grateful I am starting to feel mentally stronger…..for now.

 

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