At no point through any of this did I realise accepting recovery would lead to some of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.
I have spent the last week crying, not sleeping, crying some more, occasionally laughing and thinking so hard I have literally made myself and my brain work to the point of exhaustion.
I have never asked for hugs as much as I have, I am needy, volatile and I feel like a baby needing constant attention and reassurance.
Solace has found me sitting in the cinema in the middle of the day, I have watched the same film three times over the last couple of weeks. The darkness, the loud noise, large screen and being the only one sitting there has been the only thing to quiet my busy, aching mind.
I forget the pain, guilt, shame and numb out the voices of criticism and negativity.
This week the plan failed and I found myself sitting there uncontrollably crying and eventually falling asleep through utter exhaustion, the cinema failed me!
My bones now hurt from sitting on the seats which are just not padded enough for me anymore! My one escapism seems to be losing its ability to comfort me.
I made the toughest decision of my life last week and it brought utter heartache, sense of peace and total numbness. Three feelings, three more feelings I need to live with.
I feel like I am sitting at the bottom of a deep pit and I can see people looking down, they are all so desperate to help. I know reaching out and accepting help, comfort, advice and everything else in between is the one way I can get to the top but my feet are firmly fixed.
I cannot reach out far enough to take the first hand reaching for me.
I stood in the shower this morning and cried. I cried because even the simple task of washing my hair made me tired, my arms ached and it was even an effort to reach down and pick up the shampoo. I actually said out loud ‘What the f&ck am I doing? “When does this stop?” No one answered.
Recently the tiredness has shocked me, I am a marathon runner, I am a girl who walked 50 miles for charity, I am the girl who could swim 40 lengths before work every day and now walking up the stairs literally wears me out to the point I have to stop at the top!
The more I have spent an increasing amount of time on my own with my own thoughts, I know deep inside I need to find out exactly who I am and find my happy.
I know how indulgent and cliche this sounds, but when you constantly live on the edge of life and death; you really start to think about your next move and that does mean questioning everything you do and how you are living your life.
Finding happy and ultimately finding myself means I have to be selfish. I have to find myself on my terms, in my own time and on my own path.
The timer has been turned on. 365 days of stability. Stability means settling and settling means recovery.
Let me be clear. The word recovery is very easy to say, type, write down, make big statements over. Recovery is a word I hear a lot in appointments, but it is just a word.
Recovery is just a word. For now, I wait…