Anorexia, myself & I – Day 356

Anorexia has the ability to create a whirlwind of frustration. I feel there is a huge tornado ferociously whirling around me.

A tornado full of my anger, my frustration, and frustration from others. 

Every now and then something flies out and smacks me around the head, a gentle reminder of just how hard and unpredictable living with a mental illness can be.

Imagine having the ability to bring out the worst in people, your existence, your actions, and your words all conspire to make people angry and frustrated. 

I am sensitive, I have often thought of sensitivity as a curse. 

I pick up on everyone else’s feelings, I hear comments not meant for my ears, I sense when someone is angry or disappointed in me, I know when I am being manipulated or lied to. Call it paranoia, but it is an ‘unwanted’ skill I have always had. I guess you could say I am good at reading people.

I digress, but I just want you to understand my mental illness that sits quietly alongside the eating issues.  

Frustration. 

My mum and I argued for the first time since I moved back home yesterday. Appointment day is never easy. 

The argument was soon forgotten, but in reality, the words still hang around in the air. 

I cannot even talk about the appointment this week, not because I have gained weight, not because I am finding it hard but because we left feeling let down and disappointed with my treatment. When your Dr is 10 minutes late, spends no more than 20 minutes with you and then cannot see you for another two weeks, I introduce you to more FRUSTRATION.

How can a clinic or Dr go from threatening you with being sectioned to not seeing you for a couple of weeks? There is no offer of mental support, no offer of learning how to deal with negative thoughts and feelings. Just eat, eat, eat, eat. Oh, its that easy, well in that case……

I find myself entangled in the grips of bureaucracy, rules, regulations, inflexibility and most of all the already overworked NHS.

I am not on a political rant (I’ll leave that to Donald Trump – or not) but the realities are, I am in danger of falling through the cracks. I will become another statistic.

Can you believe sectioning myself is the only way to get treatment?

I know the easy route would be for me to admit myself as an inpatient. I sense the FRUSTRATION from others I will not accept this.

How selfish am I for not giving the responsibility to the professionals?

I have been there, I have had a taste of what that looks like. Everyone has a choice in how they are treated, regardless of their disease or situation. What works for one person will not work for someone else. 

As I sit in a coffee shop writing this blog this morning, tears stream down my face.

Anorexia has taken too much from me over the last few years. I will not let it land me in a locked hospital ward, I will not let it take my freedom.

Is it fear? Is it stubbornness? 

NO – Let me be clear. FEAR has been for asking for help and support from the people around me, FEAR has been opening up and sharing emotions, FEAR is not running when you really want to RUN, FEAR has been taking peoples judgements and lack of empathy for an illness few can understand. FEAR has been seeing the disappointment, sadness and frustration in peoples eyes.

Ask yourself, if you were ill and needed treatment, what would you do when you don’t fit into the black and white rules of society?

What next? I continue to fight for my right to get treatment, whatever it takes.

 

 

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