The last week has been a constant battle to fight the thoughts of Anorexia. Thoughts with a voice that is masterful, deep and assured.
I have made a conscious decision to pay attention to all my thoughts, to turn the negative thoughts and feelings into positives and battle through the constant desire to cast a shadow on my mood.
I have to battle this disease both mentally and physically, one cannot be beaten without the other.
Like any habit or addiction, breaking the pattern is the hardest part. I have convinced myself if I can quieten the voices and learn how to manage them, it will lead me down the path to eating.
Sounds easy! Thoughts are just thoughts, right?
They have the ability to change a happy situation into a negative situation and vice versa.
When I really started to pay attention to my thoughts, it suddenly dawned on me the power they have and have had throughout my illness.
The never feeling good enough, the lack of self-belief, the constant feeling of never feeling good enough or deserving of happiness. All thoughts most people will have at some point in their day, week or month.
The more attention I have paid to the negative thoughts and ignored and fought against them, the more in control I have felt. I have felt calmer, more confident and most of all not at the mercy of negativity.
I almost feel like everything feels a bit clearer, my mind feels lighter and more embracing of positivity.
It is the HARDEST part of self-care, changing a thought process is a 24-hour job and on occasions, the negativity shines through bright and there is nothing I can do to break its pathway to ruin my day.
However, glimpses of positive light shine through and I am reminded that I am deserving of laughter and happiness. A coffee with a new friend this week reminded me there is life out there, there is happiness out there and most of all I will not be defined by this disease.
I spent time writing down every single rule Anorexia has me following – nearly 5 pages later the list was complete. As I sat and stared at the list I felt embarrassed, the rules felt ridiculous, pathetic and pointless.
I plan on burning the list, ripping up the rulebook and using this to signify my recovery process. I carry this rule book wherever I go, I am waiting for the right moment to come, the moment where I am ready to let go.
Physically I am still plagued with stomach issues, blood tests, weight gain, weight loss and a host of other unpleasant symptoms.
Healing my body will take time, healing my mind will take time but TIME is what I have.