Anorexia, myself & I – Day 332

 

I imagine many of you will have pictures your kids have drawn stuck on your fridge? A three legged dog or you with a giant head and 7 fingers on each hand. Cute – huh!

My kitchen has turned into a place of reminders and positive affirmations. Each cupboard has a reminder stuck to it. Reminding me I need to eat, it is OK to eat, I HAVE to eat! I can eat anything I want!

It is also a place where I don’t want to spend any time. I literally start to shake every time I have to set foot in the room and start to prep my next meal.

I eat all my food cold at the moment as the thought of having to wait for something to warm up, just freaks me out. I hate that I might actually care about what I am cooking and spend time in the kitchen. I used to LOVE cooking and baking – I had my own food business for god’s sake.

I have actually got turkey mince out of the freezer three times only to put it back again!

Each time, I am convinced I will batch cook a few meals for the week ahead, pop them in the fridge and not have to worry about what I am having for dinner – I just cannot bring myself to cook.

I had images of listening to music whilst I cooked food for myself, enjoying the time in my lovely new kitchen. 

My mum brings me food packages, lovely freshly home cooked food. Some I nibble on and others I cannot bring myself to try! 

It is almost easier as someone else is taking control of the cooking and prep. I choose not to ask if she has used oil, butter or other foods I am fearful of….I just eat it and deal with the thoughts later.

My next task is to cook something other than microwave vegetables. The turkey mince is out (again) and I am determined to cook this week – even if it’s the only thing I accomplish.

My heart appointment at the hospital tomorrow is playing heavy on my mind, what if I have inflicted long term damage on myself? What if I can never run or exercise again? We all take our health for granted, no matter what illnesses we have faced. 

In the afternoon I have a clinic appointment to look forward to – another weigh in and ‘chat’ about how I could improve. I try and visualise the scales and imagine I will jump for joy if the number goes up – after all that is the point of recovery.

I continue to feel mentally stronger, I do not cry as much at the moment although I do feel angrier. Anger is an emotion I need to deal with as I eat. I recognise now that feeling hungry and empty makes me feel calm and in control and when I eat I feel angry and full of guilt and shame.

Dealing with anger is part of the journey of recovery. Anger is what pushes people away, anger turns me into someone I do not like and anger will ultimately be the biggest hurdle in eating. When I deal with the anger, guilt & shame I know eating will get easier.

PS I never did manage cake on my birthday – but I did have a chocolate truffle or two.

 

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