Today has been the hardest day for a while. It’s 4.20am and I have been awake for the last four hours – just thinking. I have never felt as lonely as I do now.
I sometimes wonder why I write my blogs for everyone to see, are they for attention, is it a selfish form of therapy or is it because I want to feel like there maybe other people feeling the same?
There are two things I would never wish upon anyone – Loneliness or illness.
As I lay here tearful and thoughtful, I cannot help but remind myself how I have brought this illness upon myself.
You see, I have never really been grateful for the all the awesome things and people I have had in my life.
At every point in my life, I have always looked for more, wanted more and not necessarily material things. I was never just able to just appreciate the moment I was lucky enough to be in. I regret this more than anything. The pain of regret burns my heart and leaves a huge lump in my throat.
The last 16 years of my life have been some of the happiest and did I appreciate it, probably not. My illness has yet again pushed people away and I have to suffer the consequences of what I have done to other people and myself.
Can I say sorry it wasn’t me but my illness talking? Yes, but sometimes it’s just too late. I cannot tell you how it hurts to have people tell you they do not love the person you are.
Who am I kidding in thinking that recovering will suddenly turn me into a person everyone or at least someone wants to be around? Why do I even f^cking care?!
Loneliness eats away at me and covers me like an itchy unwanted blanket. It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, angry, resentful and so very sad. At this point in time I cannot help but want to run, I want to go somewhere else and start again; where no one else knows me. Is this possible?
I have nothing here right now in my life that I need to stay around for. Sure, my mum who has been my rock is important to me but many of my unsympathetic family cannot get their ‘small town’ mentality brains around something they do not understand.
Christmas fills me with absolute dread. Alone for the first time in 16 years. I have decided I will go away for Christmas, somewhere I can relax and forget about family feuds, relationship breakdowns and friends having an amazing time with kids and family.
Christmas this year will be canceled.
I think I need to take a break from blogging….this is just too hard and too raw to share right now.
I will forever be judged by the words I write; prospective employers will read this and judge me, new and old friends will read this and judge me and most of all I read this and judge myself.
Life is beautiful and immensely sh&t all at the same time. If only I had appreciated the good times and ambled along with the bad, maybe I would be in a better place.
BUT – here I am. Full of regret and loneliness. Time for a break from words, I am done.