Anorexia, myself & I – Day 320

Ironically dealing with heartbreak has made dealing with my illness easier!

This week I have decided I will not be labeled as ‘anorexic’, this is no longer who I am.

I am better than that. I have been devouring websites on ‘how to win back someone’s heart’ – Mental, I know. As it stands I do not have much of a chance….well that’s what google says anyway so it must be right?!

Eating has felt easier, I have tried new foods, eaten more calories, enjoyed what I am eating. 

It appears I am emotional eating and for now, that is OK. I am no longer fearing my weigh in, I blame my disease wholeheartedly for my situation, the sooner it is out of my life, the better.

Some illnesses encourage sympathy, empathy, and support, whilst others like mental illness just seem to push people away and ultimately make people fall out of love with you.

When it comes to heartbreak every day is a struggle; my heart hurts, my mind hurts but that is fine. I know these feelings of heartbreak will pass and when you are told you have no chance to save what you had, well you have no choice.

I cannot watch ‘first dates’ I keep visiting places where ‘we’ used to go and I avoid looking at pictures of the last 16 years. I am nowhere near that point.

I have no idea what to do with my life from this point. Do I stay around here and try to build my life again; an area where memories have been made, where I will be constantly reminded of what I have lost? 

Do I move somewhere new and start again? Is that running…AGAIN? At the moment staying in this area just feels too hard, I can only be hopeful that will pass.

I know time heals, but I have always been impatient. I hate waiting.

I have to believe all of this has happened for a reason, I was supposed to go through illness and heartbreak to remind me of who I am. 

All I know for now is that I have kicked anorexia in the ass, it is no longer allowed in my life, I am done, I mean it – I AM DONE.

I still need to find that person deep inside but I know when she comes out she is going to be awesome.

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