Anorexia, myself & I – Day 315

There never seems to be a good time to blog at the moment, but since the pub across the road insists on ‘band night’ on a Thursday night I feel now is a good time! 

My days are filled with wandering aimlessly and pretending I am working in coffee shops.

I turn on my laptop but have not the ability to concentrate or actually achieve anything.

My heart still aches, my thoughts are consumed with memories and happy times and ultimately my heart will not let me move on.

Look forward people tell me, don’t look back and I am trying so hard. I cannot ignore my memories, they feel so real and happy to me.

My illness has taken a back step and honestly, this scares me. My appointment today went well and I have gained weight (emotional ice cream eating is obviously helping), I did not really feel anything when I saw the numbers on the scale increase. I am scared this ignorance or lack of feeling will suddenly creep up on me; when I have grieved will my illness darken my doorstep again?

I am noticing my body change, there is a slight wobble here and there; albeit tiny! When you are so tuned into your body, you feel every lb and inch gained. For now, that’s OK, after all, deep down when you are told you are no longer found attractive looking the way you do,  its a vain incentive to carry on.

My dear friends in relationships, let me be a warning to you. If you are in a relationship that is struggling, really question yourself before you make any decisions. Weigh up the bad against the good and be honest about if you can live with peoples imperfections. Beleive me, it’s a lonely world out there. Of course be happy, but no one is perfect.

I am constantly plagued by purpose. What is my purpose? What can I do to fill my void? Should I travel, should I jump back on the career ladder or should I just float along and coast?!

It’s only when you are single you realise just how many people around you are ‘with someone’. Everywhere I look there are couples, young, old, weird, unhappy, happy and everything in between. Each sharing their day, experiences and thoughts with their companion.

In a relationship, this all seems irrelevant and futile, but once you are out in that world on your own you realise just how important sharing your daily thoughts and habits with someone can be.

I was 21 the last time I was in this position. I was prettier, way less scared of life, determined, cocky and totally ready for the world. 

I have turned into the ex-stalker girlfriend. Moments of weakness flood over me and I find myself texting, asking questions, trying to really understand what is happening and why. Are you sure this is it? Why are you doing this? Can you really let 16 years go? Blah, blah blah….

I send pictures of us over the last 16 years, I try to convince we are worth another go and that we can make things work. Does any of this work? NO – it just makes me look and feel like the ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away.

Night times are the worst. Night times are when couples cootch down together and watch trash TV and just be, as I sit in my flat I am overwhelmed with these memories. Friday night was our night to cook together, have a tipple or two and watch a film. 

These are the memories that still hurt.

I am sad I cannot express how much my illness had in turning my world upside down; sure it seems like an easy blame, but really try starving yourself half to death and making informed and sensible decisions. 

I have to start looking forward, but for now, I will wallow. I will wallow for a bit more, I will sit on benches and watch happy couples, I will sit in coffee shops and watch old couples arguing about who is eating the biggest slice of cake and I will allow the sadness to come out.

Most importantly I will keep eating, I will keep recovering and however hard this is, for now, that is all I have. I know it will lead to happiness and clear thinking. I will then start again, slowly but surely as life has a funny way of working out.

Stalker ex-girlfriend will stay around for a while longer, but I know in time she will fade.

 

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