Anorexia, myself & I – Day 300

Where did the last two weeks go? I feel like so much has happened.

I am not sure at what point I stopped looking back, I stopped romanticizing my relationship, I stopped being the ‘stalker’ girlfriend.

I guess my own self-respect and dignity was there to remind me I was better than hanging on waiting for someone to ‘wait for me to get better’ before they may consider ‘us’ again.

It was almost like a switch flicked and I was able to let go. I had to let go and move on or forever be stuck looking at old pictures and feeling lonely. 

When you deal with heartbreak, you feel like the future has been pulled out from under you; like a magic carpet the future seemed open and able to take you anywhere but now it was just a smelly old rug there reminding you of what you were missing.

However, there is a future for me and that is what I should be focussing on – for my own sanity and future happiness. 

My illness is still part of me, I am still recovering and I am still held back from going too far forward until I am better. I want to join pilates and yoga classes and meet like-minded people, but until I am strong enough I have to simply wait.

Heartbreak has actually made me more determined to kick Anorexia in the ass, after all, who wants to date someone in their late thirties with Anorexia?! No – me neither. Would you prefer a skinny saggy ass or a nice juicy round one?! I imagine it’s like ordering a juicy steak and getting a rack of ribs.

Although the thought of meeting someone else is a LONG way off, I have to be prepared that it may happen one day and I want to LOVE myself again before I can even dedicate any feelings to anyone else.

I want to meet new people, make new friends and find a job that gives me purpose and satisfaction. Writing is a passion, but it’s lonely, I need interaction and people. I never thought I would be prepared to hear office politics or possibly have an annoying boss again.

I have started looking for a job, a career and I actually feel excited by it too! A career is just the focus and purpose I need at the moment. I have always been Katie of Katie & Paul, so the possibility of meeting new people and just being ‘Katie’ just feels, well weird and scary.

I will not blog about Anorexia forever, at one point I have to let go and although like an addiction it will be something I manage for the rest of my life it will certainly not define who I am.

I still have the weekly ‘weigh in’, blood tests and worries around every mealtime BUT it is not controlling me. Weight gain is still a struggle. I cannot tell you how much food you have to eat to gain weight, for those trying to lose it you may want to say ‘fuck off’ to me at the moment, but gaining weight is truly just as hard. 

I know I am far off being better, but I am getting mentally stronger and that is half the battle.

PS I shared my perfectly small single camp bed with someone this week – my dearest mum who looked after me when I was sick…..note to self. Definitely, time to buy a bigger bed! 

 

 

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