Anorexia, myself & I – Day 277

17 days since my last post. Autumn, Halloween and bonfire night have come along….each offering memories of the last 15 spent with someone. 

17 days of no weight gain, but equally no weight loss. Another weigh in looms this week and I need to see that number on the scales increase – the next weight gain is a landmark and pushes me passed a number I have dreaded!

I have also noticed subtle changes in my body too. I am starting to get a ‘pooch’! (A cute word for a wobbly stomach)

Interestingly when you start to gain weight again after Anorexia, any weight gained immediately goes straight to your stomach.

Your body grabs whatever it can and uses it to protect your organs. Most anorexics will see the weight gain go straight to their stomach and this alone can be distressing AND it can take up to a year for your body to distribute it around your body, to your arms, legs and finally ASS! 

My weight gain has gone to my face, my thighs and my stomach. Where I could see my veins protruding through my skin, they are now less visible…no pale white skin with a tinge of blue….

How does this feel? I feel happy and sad all at the same time. I know how ugly veins along with skin and bone look but at the same time my mental illness is telling me I am fat etc. It is a voice I am learning to fight back against.

Night sweats are also driving me crazy, as my metabolism starts to rev up again my body uses the night time to start to repair itself. Night sweats, waking up hungry at 2 am and feeling extremely shaky and sick are all new things to get used too.

This week something almost threw me back into the grips of Anorexia and I took another bullet to the heart.

The EX has met someone else. It has taken just three months for him to get over a 15-year relationship and that hurts more than walking across hot coals (I imagine, well nearly)

How? How can I still be mourning our relationship and licking my wounds yet HE is has met someone, someone he cannot bear to be apart from? Staying friends with an EX was never going to be easy, but our relationship ended because of an illness so we still have a connection as friends. No one cheated or did anything hurtful…..my mental illness just broke us down.

I have spent the last three nights pondering (and sweating) the situation, laying there knowing he is sleeping with and sharing his secrets with someone else makes me feel physically sick.

2 am arrives with a punch in the heart and I find myself wide awake contemplating life, relationships, anorexia and how the f*ck HE has met someone already.

It hurts to think our relationship was possibly over for a long time before we walked away.

He moved on much quicker because in his head we were over a long time ago. Anorexia had pushed him away for months until finally, she won and we ended.

I knew this day would come. I knew the inevitable would happen and HE would meet someone, but not this quick and not this year and NOT three months after we have broken up.

A huge argument has put our friendship under strain, where I thought we could still go see a film together and meet for a coffee, I am not so sure it is possible. Can I sit across from him in the knowledge he has another girls scent on him, he has shared his feelings with someone else?

Women’s intuition told me he had met someone, so I asked outright. After all, we spent 15 years together so I know him….too well.

I tried my hardest to play it ‘cool’ when we met and act like an adult but as soon as I saw him, anger burned in my throat and came out in an array of stupid words and tears. I hate showing weakness.

I think what hurts more than anything is the fact he is still one of my best friends and at the moment my only best friend. How could he make the decision to destroy that and leave me…….again??

I know deep down he has to move on and has every right to, why should he stay on his own just because I need a friend. BUT I know if the tables were turned I would NEVER do this to him, I would be far more sensitive.  I am still fragile, I am still lonely and I put on a great front to the people around me, but knowing he was there for the odd text or coffee was just, well, comforting.

Now all I see is him with someone else. I cannot look at him without feeling anger.

I am angry, I am angry because I was nieve to believe he was still mourning us, I am nieve because I thought we would still be in each other’s life for a little longer. I needed his friendship.

Throughout all of this, Anorexia tries to find her way back in. When I am feeling low and lacking self-confidence she comes along again reminding me I can take comfort in her. So each meal becomes a little harder again, I start to fall back into bad habits. I spit out food, I choose low fat, I throw away all the chocolate I have in the house and I ultimately punish myself. The control means safety, punishment feels good……..for so long!

All of a sudden being in a supermarket and choosing something for dinner can take 2 hours….! If you see me shopping, please rescue me and get me the hell out of the shop……

BUT dear readers, friends or whoever you are, no f*ckin way is this getting me again. I am stronger now.

My ever patient, loving, amazing mum listened to me RANT and swear today. She listened to me threaten to give into Anorexia, this must have been heartbreaking for her.

A trip to the cinema and getting lost in a film gave me the time to remind myself I am stronger than this, I will not let a knockback take me back down the road of starvation, distress, and loneliness.

I, my dear friends am still battling this disease BUT with each kick in the balls, I still remain strong and that is saying something as for the last 7 years it has ruled my life.

Will I be able to accept the other girl who has come along and taken away my best friend?

Let’s just say it’s tough t*ts and not really a choice of mine. I need to decide whether our friendship is worth saving or is it time to cut ties and just remember the good times?

 

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